I experienced a rude awakening about a dear friend I had known since I was a young child.
She was…is…a racist. Dropping the r-word is painful and seeing it in black and white in reference to her is a shock. I’m not over dramatising the situation.
Make someone feel “otherness”. CHECK
Use a derogatory term. CHECK
Stereotype on the basis of colour. CHECK
Three data points. It’s a trend. To clarify, she is a white woman.
STAY WOKE This new context of her forced a complete reconsideration of me and my place in her world. It was in her world that returning my hair to its natural black-brown colour from a muted pink was such an umbrage because she “wouldn’t be able to tell me apart from the other Asians.” It was in her world that I needed to “stop sounding like an immigrant” when I said close the light vs. turn off the light. It was in her world that I tried so desperately to fit in.
WHITE FRAGILITY It was a girls’ weekend. She said the above infractions and more. I shortened my participation. Our other two friends, who bore witness to some of her transgressions, tried to walk her through the motivations of my departure. One told her of the emotional labour a person of colour undertakes when trying to explain racism to a white person.
She didn’t get it.
She wrote me two emails with the first attempting to explain/justify why she said the things she said and behaved the way she did. The second was some sort of closure statement as I hadn’t responded to the first email.
I still haven’t properly read the emails. I’ve skimmed, but I’ve shared with a few close friends to analyze and present their findings. I can’t bring myself to read and actually comprehend the words on the page because her apology for calling a bar with a predominately African-American crowd as “ghetto” included this choice quote:
I wanted to clarify that it didn’t even occur to me that the comment might be construed as racially profiling or racist. I hope you know (and I think you do) that I was only referring to the “rough” folks there regardless of their skin colour etc.
Did I mention that she also assumed that a woman was carrying a fake Chanel purse, “because judging by this crowd, it has to be fake.” We were in Bushwick – #TRUSTFUND
KEEP YA HEAD UP I still haven’t processed this new understanding of her and I don’t feel I have the tools to do so. But, I’ve been reading, podcasting and YouTube’ing to absorb the language and the frameworks to navigate this complicated world of race relations.
CALLING OUT AND CALLING IN Playing with this new language has made PRIVODEET an output. Another has been me contacting brands who display racist or xenophobic behaviours to bring them into the discussion.
I called a yoga studio and asked them to revisit the use of the term “ghetto” in their Hip Hop Yoga class description. I’ve emailed a couple retailers who provided a significantly different service experience to me than those that lack that melanin. So far, all have recognized the oversight and took steps to address/rectify the situation.
I’m also commending companies that ensure all guests in their brand universe are treated equally and with respect.
FINAL THOUGHTS Will the ghosting continue? I’m not sure. There hasn’t been a paths-crossing point just yet, but I do hope that if and when that happens, there’s room to have an honest conversation.
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BONUS A few books that have helped me on my journey:
privodeet 